Anxieties

When everyone else went back to school I was so psyched for the school year to begin. I longed for those first 15 minutes in the mess hall trying to figure out who's in my homeroom and giving out hugs like there was no tomorrow. But now I'm not. The feeling hit me spontaneously and I am floored. What if they mess up my schedule again, I hate that? What if I don't have lunch with my friends? What if too much responsibility is thrown at me this year and I am bitter? The summer work I have yet to finish is starting to scare me with its glaring bulk. Summer is drawing to a close and despite my rainbow list, have I done enough? I realized tonight that I hadn't made the trip to the beach all summer. Has this 16th summer counted for the good or the bad? I don't know and we are out of creamsicles.

The tears fall at random spasstic times when I'm not ready for them. Dadda? Gone. Walk me down the aisle, no. I had 2 father-daughter songs picked out and now only get to have one. So the way I see it, I'll cry for a few more years as major milestones in my life zip by and he won't see them...but what's new(?). Then it will come once upon an afternoon, creeping up and all I will have is resentment, like I do for the divorce. That's why the Why Me Lord Tree holds so much emotion. I don't want to be a bitter crone. What's the suggested alternative?
So for the last few days of summer I will be geeking it up with my literature assignment and organizing my bookshelves and desk, buying a new backpack and cooping up inside. I want Monday to have cupcakes and icing and a picnic and flower crowns and sidewalk chalk; maybe I can hope long enough for it to become solid fact. Because Happiness is...and this is The Final Countdown. So kids, I hope your summer was as epic as mine.