Day 21 - A photo of something that makes you happy

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Story

It's been a year and a half. And I feel like Thanksgiving is as good a day as any to finally get everything down. So I'm not eliminating anything. Here's why yesterday was so hard for me.

July 7th 2009:
It was supposed to be the perfect day. My dad and I planned on fixing the windows in my room, because they needed new glass put in them. We got everything ready and he taught me how to put this cool putty stuff on them and smooth it down so that they aren't drafty. We finished that and I thought it was going to be a great day. There was one slight problem. Probably because I run around barefoot all summer, I had gotten an ingrown toenail on my right foot. I wanted it to heal itself and was terrified of having surgery. But my dad called my mom anyway despite my protests and scheduled an appointment for the next day. He said there was no arguing and that it had to be done. So I ran up to my room and slammed the door, layed down on my bed and opened a letter I had gotten from Alicia. He burst in my door, and having a history of screaming, lecturing, and belittling, I knew I was not going to listen. So I kept reading my letter, and told him I didn't want to talk. But my dad is very stubborn and approached me. It's hard to remember what happened next because I was scared, but I think he shoved me and took my letter, which I snatched back and crawled through the window to the roof that is outside my window (it was my favorite escape). I crawled to the side of the house and leaned against it as he shouted at me through the window. I told him I just wanted to be left alone, we could talk later. But the onslaught of abrasive words kept coming. I started screaming through my tears, and then because that wasn't working started cursing at him. I just didn't want to hear his voice anymore, yet it kept spewing venom at me. I crawled to the edge of the roof and he said that if I jumped it wouldn't matter because the hospital was only 45 minutes away and I wouldn't bleed to death by then. "Go ahead," he said, "do it." At some point my brother came into the room screaming that we should stop and all get along, and that I should come inside. My dad told him it was none of his business and to leave. The screaming continued. I accidentally dropped my letter over the edge, in my shakiness. I tried to come back inside, and stuck my leg through the window where he was leaning out, but he shoved it back saying I was not coming in like that. I recoiled at his touch and he held onto my leg, the window slammed down on my shin and I started crying again. He pushed me back. I scurried over to the edge again. He left the window finally and I sat crying to God, begging him to save me. Then I saw my dad down in the yard picking up my letter, and I wasn't going to let him have it. I climbed through the window, ran downstairs through the living room, and in my haste falling on my face because of the slippery hardwood. I ran outside and confronted him by the grapevines. I demanded my letter. He smirked and started walking away with it crumpled in his hand. I smacked his chest, and he back handed me across the face so hard that I fell on the ground. In my barefeet, I got up, and sprinted to the pond in the pasture, sitting on the spillway bridge for what seemed like forever. No one came to get me. When I got back he was on the phone with my mom and telling Lizz how I needed to leave. I began packing my things (knowing the consequence of my actions was being kicked out, from previous experience). As I packed all my things into boxes, he told me I was never allowed back there. I must have carried 4 loads of my stuff to my mom's car that afternoon. And I have not heard from my dad since.

So there it is, laid out for myself and the world. I only do this to show the facts. I know you can look at the scenario and point out all the things that I have done wrong. Trust me, I have. I never should have cursed at my father or hit him, it was beyond disrespectful. I should not have been upset about the surgery. I should have just listened and been upset when he left. But in my life, most often I apologize first when I am wrong. Rarely does anyone apologize to me. RARELY. And the first time I was told to leave his house, I called him after 4 months and he begrudgingly took me back, but only after scolding me. He's never once apologized. So yes, I was wrong. But so was he. And no one but he and I can understand the emotions and the exchanges of that day. No one can tell me reasonably to just relax and get over it. I almost jumped that day. And you know what stopped me? I didn't think anyone would care, and I wanted God to be my focus.

So finding out from Dylan that Robert had invited him and some others over there upset me. Places hold memories, and memories hold emotions, and that farm holds a multitude of sorrows for me. But most of all, and the simplest for you to understand is: I'm jealous. What right do they have to have fun in a place that is so painful for me? I know every tree on that property, I know every grave too. I know all the secret hiding spots, and I built things there. I love that farm. It kills me EVERYDAY that I can't go back there; but my boyfriend can. It's hurtful and painful and confusing. So I spent all day in tears. I just fought with my brother on Thanksgiving of all days over it. I'm a wreck and I know it, and I tend to show it every chance that I get. But maybe if you've read this, you'll be a little more sympathetic.

I don't want to fight anymore.
I just want my dad to call me, tell me he loves me, and that most of all, he's sorry.

Mandrakes and Bogarts

Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
To my girls Brittany, Chloe, Laura, and Joanna.

What better in the world to make yourself feel better and get a boy out of your head than to buy new heels. I present to you, today's indulgences:


Chloe: <3
I think if I ever faced a boggart it would probably turn into an ugly old lonely hag because I'm afraid of failing all alone. So I'd cast riddikulus and imagine Regis crowning her Miss America while silmultaneously giving her the Nobel Peace Prize. Umm, because I can.
Also, mandrakes are cute...not annoying. Think: pink fuzzy ear muffs.

Your name appears SO many times in the journal I kept in 2009.
I'm writing in it again.
And you did love me. I wrote it down.
What's happened to us?

If you want me, come and get me.
I deserve to be pursued.
I'm a princess.

It's taken me this long

to find someone with whom I am comfortable holding hands. Whose arm doesn't feel awkward around my waist or my shoulders. Whom I trust.
I've never been nor doubt I will ever be a very physical person. I'm the kind of girl who cares so much about glances, words that are spoken and unspoken, and reassurances. The never been kissed.

So maybe I'm strange or maybe it's unnatural, but I feel like getting slightly admonished today for having a back ache and Dylan massaging it at lunch has completely taken me down a level of comfortability. It's like every nerve in my body has recoiled.

Society messes us up. They flash millions of images a day at us that feature kissing, hugging, sensuality, and confidence. But then in reality it is often frowned upon. So in the course of a week (and more because this is a lifelong thing), I have heard "Public displays of affection are natural and important in a relationship." "Stay away from him." "oooooh they're holding hands.", "Are you sure?" and "Are you ok?" 50bajillion times. No I'm not okay; stop asking. What is ok? Because right now all I am good at is questioning myself.
Would someone please tell me what is wrong with me?
I over think things, and they linger. Just like your touch.

Day 11 - What's in your makeup bag?

Lips:
Clinique Different Lipstick in Angelic
L'Oreal Paris Infallible Never Fail Lipgloss in Modern Mauve
-OR-
Almay Ideal Lipstick in Berry
Almay Ideal Gloss in Wine

Eyes:
Clinique Lash Doubling Mascara in Black
Almay Liquid Liner in Brown -OR-
Almay Intense i-color eyeliner in Ash

Out of many eyeshadows my favorites include:
CoverGirl Eye Enhancer 3 shadow kit in Curtain Call
Maybelline Expert Eyes Eye Shadow in The Suedes

Remover:
Avon Moisture Effective Eye Makeup Remover Lotion

Blush/Foundation/Concealer:
e.l.f. mineral blush in coral (which I rarely wear because of JFS)
e.l.f. tone correcting concealer
NYC Smooth Mineral Loose Finishing Powder in Natural Veil

Perfumes:
Love's Baby Soft
Bath and Body Works Mist in Butterfly Flower or Clean Cotton
Bodycology
MaryKate and Ashley LA

I usually don't wear makeup, or if I do it's the simple mascara swipe in the morning and a few applications of lipstick throughout the day. I've never gone into a store soley to buy makeup, though I'd love to spend some money in Sephora or MAC. My favorite lipstick is one that my granny got for free and didn't like. My eyeliner is from her too. I have mascara because I told my mom that I was adult enough to wear it. No one ever really told me how to put on eyeshadow so that it is flattering. I'm a RED lipstick girl, though you'll really never see me wear it because people tell me it's slutty. But at home alone I sometimes do. I absolutely adore lipstick, because that feeling of having a little something extra on your lips to look beautiful is really appealing to me. I reapply it like 10 times a day. What are your thoughts on makeup? I'm a newbie. There was a time when all I was allowed to wear was clear mascara (felt like glue) and LipSmackers chapstick.

Day 7 - Your dream wedding

And here is the part of my blog where I claim poetic license/creative freedom/ whatnot and jump around because I have SO much to say about education (Day 5) and too slow of fingers. So here's to fantasies.
I've had an idea of what my wedding will be like since I was little. Here's a little bit of fun piecing it together for you to see. :)

Everything starts with the dress: It's my day to be beautiful. And the J. Crew Daphne dress from Fall 2006 isn't being made any more, but I WILL have it. Or something better. (If I can't have the Daphne, I want a lace back. See the second photo).

The veil: Definitely either a classic Mantilla or a birdcage. I think that the Mantilla is more stunning, but it really doesn't go well with the dresses I want. So a birdcage would probably be my choice, because it's classy (if worn correctly) without being too modern for my tastes:

I know that I either want to be a May or November bride. I love love love autumn, as I have discussed on here before, but my inclinations are also towards and outdoor chapel wedding or reception. I have a friend named Allison, whose wedding to her husband Noah was basically everything I picture mine to be. A few of my favorite things about her wedding were that she and Noah picked apples as gifts for their guests, they had sunflowers as their theme flower, the men wore natural colors like beige and brown, everything was simple, she got married at Camp in Beth-El Chapel.
I either want Gerber Daisies, Poppies, or Sunflowers depending on my color scheme:

Food? Easy:

mac and cheese, iced tea, maybe some chicken or pork roast, salad. mmm mmm mmm
Cake:
Probably either Red Velvet with Cream Cheese icing or an Apple Spice cake.


Marriage is important to me. Weddings are something every little girl spends hours dreaming over. But for my family, they haven't always worked out. I live my life trying to be as honest as possible. I pride myself on knowing how painful lies are. So when I get married, I'm playing for keeps. I'll be yours if you'll always be mine. :)

Stuck in Limbo

I'm writing things down because it's quite obvious I can't form thoughts with you around.
And not saying much of a coherent sentence all night left me driving home with the radio up so loud that it hurt my ears, screaming lyrics that bear no meaning and crying as I slammed my fist against the empty passenger seat. I'm definitely not angry at you. You're wonderful.

I'm angry at Samantha Aubrey Moreland: who she is, who the world sees her as, what she does, and most of all her brain. I'm livid with all of them. I'm mad at me.

I bake you cookies. I love your family. I come up with interesting things to do. I laugh. I smile. I let you tickle me, even when I want to be alone.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

and you not feeling the same about me makes me question myself. my understanding of love. and the reality of what my heart is beating into my brain so bluntly.
Maybe the fact that you're one of the first people I've let myself be honest with and trust is what kills me so much about "I really like you." Maybe how hard I try to see the future realistically has made me resent the idea of giving in without something more than that. Maybe Brittany is right and I don't know what love is, or that it's really irrelevant (loved the Carrie blog btw Bree.) And if you can say it to Courtney, then why can't you say it to me? Aren't I important? or WORTH IT?

I say I hate you because then I don't feel so silly when you don't say I love you back. And you know that. But it helps to write it down. So I'm lying when I say I hate you.

You're right. I'M NOT COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN. and that shouldn't be your problem. But it is. Because it affects my ability to give the control to someone else. I control everything. And that's because I can't push a button and choose my weight or my complexion or my hairstyle or the way I come across to people. Your words ring empty to me because I've only ever known hurt and being pushed on the playground. And you're the first to see something else. The real me.

"Trying to be perfect
Trying not to let you down
Honesty is honestly
The hardest thing for me right now"

You get me. And that's hard for me to let happen. That's why I argue with you. That's why I tell you I want to be mysterious. But all I really want is for you to take my fears and throw them away, grab my hand and kiss my lips. But I'm scared. and I'm worried. and I'm controlling. And you're not in love with me.

Einstein is right, I am insane. I expect different results. But when you really think about it, we're not the same people as before. We've grown and adapted and learned. I still need to hear why it was mutual for you. I need to tell you that you're perfect in every way except your faith. And you know that. But it's not even a flaw to me. It's my flaw, because yet again I want to control and change it.

So you see, it's me not you. And I wish I wasn't so crazy about you, BUT I AM. I LOVE YOU.
And so much more....

Day 4 - Your favorite photo(s) of your best friend

Alicia Laws I adore you. <3 <3
Lloyd, you're the greatest.And this? Well of course this had to be included:

Day 3 - Your Idea of the Perfect First Date

As first dates go, I've been pretty lucky. The only issue being that I wish I hadn't been the one to plan all the romantics.
We drove to Balitmore, playing padiddle and punch buggy. Walked around the Inner Harbor holding hands. Then drove to Home Depot for no reason. Picked out funny paint chip colors and then went to the park to play on the slippery playground freshly coated in rain. I don't know if it was necesarily a first date, but I think so. That was my intent. And it was basically the perfect day.
But if I had to choose, and lay out the game plan; honestly I would want him to surprise me. There are so many cute date ideas out there: picnics, board game days, cooking together, etc. I hate the idea of everything being monotonous and similar. Go to his house, watch a movie, the attempted kiss, the awkward no that follows. But the really incredibly adorable dates are the ones that aren't planned out to the nines, are spontaneous, and have a little bit of romance. Show me something that you like. Something important to you. Because I want to know. I've always (and will always) stick to the idea that there's no chance at long term relationships if they are based on the physical aspect. You have to be able to sit across the room from the other person, not touching, and still feel completely connected. Not want to stop talking, or to understand each other even amidst silence. Dates should be special. Just like presents are better if they are homemade (like mixed cd's or cards or something written). And oh yeah, it's nice to hear that the outfit I spent hours picking out, and the makeup I put on, and the products my hair is covered in were not in vain. Compliment me. Because goodness knows I praise you enough daily. :)
So go ahead, SURPRISE ME FOR ONCE.
Take me dancing.
Build me a pillow fort.
Teach me how to work on my car.

Day 2 - Your Favorite Movie

SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN BROTHERS (1954) Starring: Howard Keel and Jane Powell

I adore technicolor era films (1930s-60s). But musicals and lumberjacks and pretty dresses and dance/fight scenes combined make me swoon. This is an absolutely perfect musical in all formats and the plot is impeccable. I find it really exciting that all of the men are redheads, all the women long to be June brides, and all of the fathers are protective. This movie has always really resonated with me. The frontier lifestyle, and Milly's care to tame the brothers are admirable.

Some of my other favorites include but are definitely not limited to: Guys and Dolls, Penelope, Pride and Prejudice, Real Genius, Benny and Joon, The Other Sister, and Into the Wild. This year I really wanted to work with my AP Lit teacher to start a partial credit film club open to seniors, but it seems that our schedules might make that kind of impossible. She has a baby boy, and I have my stressful schedule, but alas the thought is nice. In college (which I got my first acceptance to today) I want to take as many film courses as possible. Maybe some French, and Film Noir.

My National History Day project, you might recall, was on the invention of the Kalmus Technicolor Corp. film process. It was incredibly facinating. Technicolor created an inexpensive market for large scale productions to be shot in. Snow White was one of the first Disney films that used the process. And Gone with the Wind was the longest and most well known movie that utilized the process.

Day 1 - Your favorite song

The song doesn’t explain. The song witnesses.” E. Peterson

Well for the yearbook I put, The Dangling Conversation by Simon and Garfunkel. But there are so many good inspiring beautiful wonderful songs in the world that it is hard to choose. So here's my rundown:
Classic: Udan Hulu by Olafur Arnalds
Folk: Berkely Springs by Don Ross
Ours: Ocean Wide by the Afters

Music is such a major part of my life. I've always found it to be the perfect oultet of emotion. I miss playing my violin so very very much, and wish it wasn't broken right now. But I've attempted to learn guitar as well and there is just no time for it in a day. I especially enjoy music that people don't know much about. Like Wrock (wizard rock) and All Caps or Skyway Flyer. Nerdcore, Victory Shoes, etc. We all have a song. Though it may change daily, our hearts hum the tune incessantly.

30 Day Challenge

Day 1 — Your favorite song
Day 2 — Your favorite movie
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – How important you think education is?
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of our favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 13 – Your views on drugs and alcohol
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your view on homosexuality.
Day 17 – How you hope your future will be like.
Day 18 – 5 things that irritate ME about opposite/same sex
Day 19 – Your reflection in the mirror
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – Who are you?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you want to go.Day 27 – What kind of person attracts you?

Progressive Free Fall