Stuck in Limbo

I'm writing things down because it's quite obvious I can't form thoughts with you around.
And not saying much of a coherent sentence all night left me driving home with the radio up so loud that it hurt my ears, screaming lyrics that bear no meaning and crying as I slammed my fist against the empty passenger seat. I'm definitely not angry at you. You're wonderful.

I'm angry at Samantha Aubrey Moreland: who she is, who the world sees her as, what she does, and most of all her brain. I'm livid with all of them. I'm mad at me.

I bake you cookies. I love your family. I come up with interesting things to do. I laugh. I smile. I let you tickle me, even when I want to be alone.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

and you not feeling the same about me makes me question myself. my understanding of love. and the reality of what my heart is beating into my brain so bluntly.
Maybe the fact that you're one of the first people I've let myself be honest with and trust is what kills me so much about "I really like you." Maybe how hard I try to see the future realistically has made me resent the idea of giving in without something more than that. Maybe Brittany is right and I don't know what love is, or that it's really irrelevant (loved the Carrie blog btw Bree.) And if you can say it to Courtney, then why can't you say it to me? Aren't I important? or WORTH IT?

I say I hate you because then I don't feel so silly when you don't say I love you back. And you know that. But it helps to write it down. So I'm lying when I say I hate you.

You're right. I'M NOT COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN. and that shouldn't be your problem. But it is. Because it affects my ability to give the control to someone else. I control everything. And that's because I can't push a button and choose my weight or my complexion or my hairstyle or the way I come across to people. Your words ring empty to me because I've only ever known hurt and being pushed on the playground. And you're the first to see something else. The real me.

"Trying to be perfect
Trying not to let you down
Honesty is honestly
The hardest thing for me right now"

You get me. And that's hard for me to let happen. That's why I argue with you. That's why I tell you I want to be mysterious. But all I really want is for you to take my fears and throw them away, grab my hand and kiss my lips. But I'm scared. and I'm worried. and I'm controlling. And you're not in love with me.

Einstein is right, I am insane. I expect different results. But when you really think about it, we're not the same people as before. We've grown and adapted and learned. I still need to hear why it was mutual for you. I need to tell you that you're perfect in every way except your faith. And you know that. But it's not even a flaw to me. It's my flaw, because yet again I want to control and change it.

So you see, it's me not you. And I wish I wasn't so crazy about you, BUT I AM. I LOVE YOU.
And so much more....