Ladybug, ladybug, spread your wings. Little girl, little girl: Have no FEAR

God has blessed me so much in only 2 days. God, this life is yours and it's amazing.
I volunteered in the nursery on Sunday and had so much fun. At one point I was sitting butterfly style with Elizabeth  (3) on one knee/thigh, Birch (3) on the other, and Natty with his head propped on his hand, elbow on my knee, reading picture books. I got to laugh as they tried to make their goldfish crackers swim in dixie cups of water. I got to hold Everett (1 1/2) and soothe his tears from missing mommy. Then we went to the Scott's house for lunch and it was a wonderful time of community. I mingled with adults and children alike. I knew every child's name there and who they belonged to. Upon leaving, it took me 15 minutes to hug everyone there goodbye. There was homemade wheat bread, lentil soup that Waverly made with an Ecuadorian recipe, mac and cheese, baked sweet potatoes, and fresh and well dressed Caesar salad. On the ride home we all played the 'tion' game, trying to think of words that ended in that suffix. It was so much fun!
Dinner was at the Dean of Student's house (Brad Voyles) with several other Caledonians. His wife made white chicken chili and brownies. There were IBC root beers and guac and Panera bread and blue tortilla chips. mmmm. and their daughter talked on and on about American Girl Dolls. We roasted marshmallows in their driveway, heard how Brad proposed to Kelly, and pet their ginormous goldendoodle Gus. It was refreshing, and calming.

Today I had to give my testimony in my Mac class. I was so terrified of being vulnerable in front of these people. I was prayerful all week and God used my prayer and spoke through me, so that tonight it felt effortless and right. I used a passage from 2 Timothy 1 as my devotional. Nevi passed me a note with a Psalm verse on it, which was the best blessing. I looked at the faces of my friends and was not afraid. Life is messy, but messes are beautiful. Today is Halloween so there was "trick or treating" at the student apartments. I borrowed Danielle's ladybug costume again and walked down there to hang out. I spent some time in David, Jeff, Dan, and Nate's apartment with Emmy Kate, Robert, Kate, and Michael. It was fun. I came back to Caledon to papple carving in process. Apple carving like pumpkins. I participated and was awarded "Most Caledonian Papple" by Elisabeth. I love this hall. Tomorrow I am going to the RUF small group called "Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places" which is a study of the book of Hosea. Then I am going to Dr. Drexler's house for dinner with my Mac class, and we are deciding on where our May term trip will be. The options are Cambodia, China, Capetown South Africa, or the Czech Republic. :) I can't wait!!! This group of men and women is amazing! Thank you LORD of ALL!

Guess I Got My Swagger Back

Toga Party.
Sweat. Bass. Strobe. Bed sheets.
Zelda theme song dubstep mix!
I've fulfilled the college quota for toga-ing.
And then showered.
End of happy story.

Neighbors

That's the funny thing about dorm life. You always have, know, and spend regular time with your neighbors. It's a delight to be able to have deep heartfelt, safe, Christian conversations about important subjects until 3am. There is always someone's floor or bed to sit on and talk, watch Julian Smith videos, or giggle for no reason.
We can't forget our neighbors in other buildings though. Which is why Mac Movie Night was so incredibly fun last night. Who knew there was so much creative talent in Mac/Rymer? Chi Alpha's heartwarming bad to good saga (complete with an epic cupcake destruction scene, and dropping a pumpkin out the window of the top floor) deserved some honor in my mind. But they were almost blown out of the water by Rowan's whimsical Dormire featuring fellow freshman Hannah. and Sutherlands, the winners of fan favorite and first place.... WOW. I want to own that movie and watch it everyday. "Battles there are girls in the commons making schnitzel! There are girls on our hall??" Taylor and Peter in the sleeping montage hahahaha. The imagined ways in which Coulter could have been put into his coma. Karl in the art barn! All so good and hilarious. I love my neighbors. and I surely cannot wait for Founders Music Video Night or Carter Christmas!

Preciousness once again.

So many words gripped my soul tonight at the Reason to Gather show (Sara Groves, Audrey Assad, and Jenny&Tyler). God speaks through many mediums, and even the hardest ones to hear are beautiful. Even being drowned out by the rushing of a train on it's tracks as it rumbles out of sight, is beautiful.

Aslan tells Lucy "Every year you grow, you will find me bigger." 
Jenny and her husband Tyler sang oh so sweetly the command and reminder to FAINT NOT.
"o my soul, faint not, no
faint not | o my soul, keep up, up

in love"

"where there is hatred, let me sow love
where there is injury, let me pardon
where there is darkness, let the Light come, come"

Audrey's song Ought to Be broke down how I've been feeling lately about the love of God. and loving others.

"It may not be red as the roses yetIt may not be strong as the old oak trees but
Love planted deeply becomes what it ought to be
Your love is steady and sure as the mountains high
Moving my heart like a river that gently bends
Your love is sure
Your love is wide open spaces where I can run
And yet, we're tangled up roots in the warm broken earth
Yeah, our love is sure"
And finally, Sara (who I have been listening to a lot lately) sang a song that I think relates to how I've been mulling over my relationship with Dylan lately. I cried. 

"Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way
Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through
There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free"
She spoke also of the garnets, rubies, and starfish that make up the sand we tromp all over. Let us remember the preciousness of the seemingly insignificant. 

I've been thinking a lot about shame and changes lately. Briefly both of these ideas were hit upon tonight, not really meant to be, but noticeably. Audrey talked about shame in youth being so hard that it makes you confess, but in adulthood makes you hide and keep things inside. I want to lay my shame on the table. Here it is. I've also been thinking about how you say I've changed. Is change really a bad thing? Or something secluded to myself? No. I've concluded. Change is naturally and never ceasing. Just like Aslan says, we learn more about God every year we grow. So how can we remain stagnant. Change is good if it is a person allowing themselves to be molded by the God of the universe. Change can be sudden and noticeable. Like a smack in the face. But if my change is a jolt, and yours is slow, is there really any difference in them but the force with which others feel it? I don't think my change has been any different than yours. But I think my healing has been. So many racing thoughts. I'm still finding the words to describe this life.
Sometimes the best way to describe it is exactly what Vedran Smailovic did during the Bosnian war. Sit in your bomb crater and play the most melancholy and passionate adagio ever played. Albinoni's Adagio in G minor.

Fall Break: The Perks of Being Alone and Dorm Domesticity

Tomorrow all of my Caledonian sisters return home to our cozy Belz hall. While I am both super excited to see them and can't wait to hear of their adventures, I am feeling a little melancholy about how quickly the time flew by. It was so peaceful this week (except for the maintenance men waking me up this morning) just sitting and thinking to myself. Not juggling my priorities or trying to squeeze in a million things. I took this week at a leisurely pace. I slept a lot and I didn't feel too guilty about it.
This week I drove through the Chickamauga National Military Park, watched Chariots of Fire, Keith, To Save a Life, and 3 episodes of The New Girl, ate tons of creamy chicken Ramen (the best flavor by far), sent postcards to my loved ones, went to my pastor's house after church for some yummy chili and good conversation, drove around Chatty and up Signal Mountain to Signal Point, hiked the 3.5 miles to Sunset Rock and watched the sunset with Seth, and much more. It was blissful. I continued reading Passion and Purity which I am devouring slowly but hungrily. I spent time baking for others (left a spice cake and some cupcakes in 3rd lobby to lure out the remaining Founders residents). I did my makeup for fun. I took pictures. I laughed. I prayed. I sang. I wrote. It was a blast!

Being at college has definitely brought out a motherly domesticity in me. If you knew me at home, you know I am usually a messy person. But here, I clean my room almost every day. I do mine and other's dishes regularly. I wash my own clothes. It's freeing being so independent. As I mentioned before, I've been baking. I made pies with Hannah for our brother hall a few weeks ago. Tonight I washed all the sheets and pillowcases on the common room couches, vacuumed the entire hallway and commons, washed all the dishes, wiped down and disinfected the counter and sinks (and whoever is leaving their coffee grounds all over, please stop....). It felt nice. Not because I was selfish in wanting things neat. But because I know how busy all of our schedules are and I want people to come home to a refreshing dorm, without being stressed out right away by a mess.
This semester is about to pick up quite a bit for me....and though I am a little nervous about things like my OT midterm and my life story in my Mac class, I know I can do all things through Christ. He is my strong tower. I'm really glad I didn't go home over break...I still don't think I am ready to face the 302 again. I still call that blocked number just to hear his voice on the answering machine. But in time, I will be able to say goodbye, or hello, or whatever words need to be said. I'm growing up. and it's natural and changing and necessary.
P.S. if you get a chance this week, please pray that my car troubles and financial difficulties will work out. I'm kind of silently panicking and too afraid to ask for help. So, help me and pray. Please.
And don't ever forget, I love you.

I really hate that my favorite smells.music.stories.jokes all remind me of you. I love you.
My hair smells like blackberries and campfire again, and November is drawing close. I remember what was happening this time last year and I thought it was magical. I miss you everyday. I wish things could be different. And I still imagine walking down the aisle to marry you all the time. It's tragic. Don't get me wrong though, things are great down here! But I still feel like something's missing.

And I can't ever marry anyone else. I'm still trapped.
I hope you are making good choices and doing well. I'm praying for you. I still stalk your facebook sometimes to check up on how things are in the 302 with you.

My hallmate's sister is going through basically the same thing I did with Dad and Lizz and she asked me what I would do. Well I ran away, and that was painful. There's still no easy clear cut answer.

But one thing is for certain. The lord is with me. I am still in knowing Him. Elohim, Prince of PEACE. He is cutting me to the soul. And like Amy said, one day my heart will be pure and crystal as he intended. And one day, you'll don your armour. I pray. 

Jump and Jive

I went to ballroom dance club tonight and finally learned how to swing! I learned a double turn, the cuddle, and the hip bump. And you know what? It was so nice to just let loose and be ok with messing up and be ok with the awkward sweaty palmed guy holding my hands. I liked being led and learning not to lead with my own beat, but to follow. Swing is so much like faith. You have to completely trust God and his hand so that at the flick of a wrist you will be able to whirl about, smiling. But you're still responsible for the beat in your own heart.

Talking to Bevin and Amy has brought me so much joy these past few weeks. River City is a family to me. Caledon is encouraging and loving and silly. I am growing and HEALING and GOD IS SO GOOD!

So I guess that's all I really have to say. I'm keeping a fine tuned schedule. I go to see Bevin on Mondays. I work out at the gym Tuesdays and Thursdays. I dance on Tuesday evenings. and I worship with a congregation of Christ loving followers on Sunday mornings.

Tonight I started reading Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot on loan from Katie Beth. I'd recommend it to anyone. Tomorrow I even have a lunch date with the DC of my brother hall, to share testimony and fellowship and talk about what it means to fill the role of DC.

 Praise the lord, I am free at last. :)

The Shnausberries SMELL like Shnausberries

Or at least that is what keep crossing my mind as I walk around the pentagon shape of our hall (yes I finally counted) with my nose pressed to the pages of old books and the squishy aromatic tea bags dangling from clothes pins. I truly love this hall, these women, and in particular the Bigelow Vanilla Chai tea that hangs right outside my door. I breathe it in before I enter my dorm in between classes. My room wavers in its scent. Sometimes it smells like the linen oil diffuser by my window, or the Starbuck's coffee Ashley brews in the morning. Still others it is the mingling scents of our perfumes, the sea salt spray she curls her hair with or the apple detangler I have loved since I was a girl. This week a new scent has entered with Will's roses sitting beautifully on Ashley's desk. Popcorn and Nutella often send tendrils of scent our way from the commons. My senses are alive here on Caledon.
It's amazing how ablaze my spirit has become too. Day of Prayer was spectacular. Sitting in Lyss' room and praying is beautiful. Swinging to In The Mood and wearing dresses on dreary days. I've been cheering for my brothers at football games and attending a regular church. I'm discovering who I am again. and I like it.

In a bit I am going to the gym with Hannah and Patty G in our first attempt (outside of Caledon dance parties) to take pride in our health and wellness and work out. I miss the feeling of working hard and the adrenaline that races through your sore muscles afterwards.

Today Dr. Tate used Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost as the poem we were analyzing in English Comp. and I can just remember the breathy voice of Johnny in The Outsiders as he said, "Stay gold, Ponyboy."

So Genevieve Schatz is super awesome and pretty.
If you don't already listen to Company of Thieves, well then you should because you've been living under a rock.

Kilter 2011

Kilter was this weekend. And though it didn't go how I pictured months ago, it was still one of the best nights of Freshman year so far. Erik and I covered our costumes in real cherry pie filling, ate some Sticky Fingers BBQ, and danced (or rather shuffled) the night away. Who knew dubstep would so quickly become one of my favorite pastimes? It was super awesome, and great to let loose with really cool friends. Dani, Erik, Aaron, Gordon, and I went to Waffle House afterwards and that was interesting. It was a good night, despite not being what I had anticipated. We pet some goats at the zoo and laughed at the incredibly creative costumes of our classmates. Covenant really knows how to throw THE BEST dance parties. For real. Anyway, here's a photo of Erik and I's get-ups:

Anyway, I guess I should get back to studying for my test tomorrow. yay Early American history! Probably making a study run to the Yellow Deli later. mmmm yummy cult food. ;) Chattanooga truly is a magnificent city.