Tonight I got asked to a school dance. That has never happened before. A guy. That's not creepy. That I am crushing on a little. ASKED ME to homecoming, and on a date.

WHAT???

....

This isn't something I can study for. and that makes me uncomfortable. But excited.

Heart of Darkness

I just pulled a psychoanalytical critique paper for Heart of Darkness out of my butt and now I can write what I want. I made up some argument that I can't even understand about dreams corrupting into nightmares and human nature causing loyalty to them. All of this was based on one line in the novel, " I should be loyal to the nightmare of my choice." I hope she doesn't fail me. I tried. haha
I skyped Shannon tonight while my face was covered in black washable marker. I drew a mustache, goatee, lightning bolt scar, and monocle to properly get into the literary critic mode. It didn't work. But! I figured out my calculus problems all by myself so that's exciting. Despite the fact that I am still failing that class.
Oh senior year. Oh Oh Oh (insert fruit of the spirit here.) add sarcasm. sigh.

Dear John's

Dear Dylan,
First of all, I don't want you back. But your cd is still in my laptop and when I'm feeling weak and wanna crawl back to you and all of your shit I listen to it. I cry. I just miss being cared about by a friend that didn't think I was just there to give advice. I miss us. Love, Sam

Dear Mom,
I ask you things in advance so that you will let me do them because harsh as you make think this, it takes you FOREVER to make a decision. It's like the battle inside of you is purely selfish and you can't see how hard I am fighting to break free of my own battles. You trap me more. Stop. Just listen, and have your OWN thoughts. Love always, Sam

Dear John,
Politics are not everything. In fact, being so caught up in them and not acknowledging your own human emotions is detrimental to more than just you. I hate the news now, thanks. Love, Samantha

Dear Robert,
I wish you knew how much I admire you. And that I have in my head this future for you that I know isn't mine to fantasize over. You'll go your own way, but you'll always be the one I want to talk to. We might fight, but I hope you feel like I am someone to confide in. I can't keep your secrets because I keep too many of my own. Love, your other 1/2

Dear Ms. Rahmani-Landis,
How can you be such a good advisor and not realize that your class is the reason I am drowning this year? What happened to English class with free form thinking? -a concerned student.

Dear Ms. Novick,
Shove off. P.S. thanks. -S.

Dear Brittany,
We're a lot alike. You want people to get it. and I want people to get it. Well, I'm here to say that I GET IT. So don't shove me away. You're not alone. Stop making me be alone. Love, Sam

Dear Alicia,
You're not the only person in the world who's ever fallen for a guy. Contrary to what you believe, I've been in love too. It hurts. So don't only appreciate the fact that I am smart, because that's not what I need you to appreciate. Understand that my life story isn't looking for your pity. I love you best friend. <3

Dear JMW,
I love you.
You don't remember that I exist.
Have a good year.
You're going to be brilliant at whatever you do.
Because it bears repetition, I love you.
-Sammy McSamface

Dear Sam,
Stay awake. Remember. Love, you.

Deconstruction Theory

In AP Lit we are talking about literary theories. There is one called deconstruction criticism that basically states, "language can never say what we intend it to mean." In essence, everything in a novel can be deconstructed and taken apart because it is not truly what the author was thinking or feeling, and we can't know that because language is not complete enough to transpose emotion or thought fluently.
Here's what the internet says: "Deconstruction theory embraces the precept that meaning is always uncertain and that it is not the task of the literary critic to illuminate meaning in a given text. Deconstruction itself can be deconstructed, however, and the process goes on indefinitely."
This got me thinking about being a writer. In all reality, we, I, you, can never truly show another person or humanity through text what it is that is in our minds. It is impossible. We can relate ideas that transform psychologically in each person's head differently, but they can never be in our heads. And this started me onto a long thought process of debating the reality of apathy and sympathy and our capacity to comprehend another and in turn give them comfort. We can only comfort from what pain we know in our own minds.

Steady as a preacher
Free as a weed
Couldn't wait to get going
But wasn't quite ready to leave

Hi, you win. I'm sitting here damp eyed because I'm at a loss. Where? When? HOW? Things seem pretty impossible today. And I can't find the answers I seek.

So when you see me cry, remember that I'm not looking to hear a lecture or for you to propose a solution. I just want to be held, or have my back rubbed, and know you're all there. Don't wander.

The coolest: I know, I know

I'm typing this without looking. I'm laying on my floor because I got tired of sitting at my desk chair. It was really strange sprawling out on the floor and finding out that I can feel the central air flowing from the vent near my baseboard. I never thought the air worked in my room, that just went out the window. All afternoon I have been playing Trivial Pursuiton Youtube.
So, the first day of Senior year, eh? Robert and I took the obligatory picture by the door in our uniforms and then headed to the car. Maggie ran smoothly and we put my TMBG Here Come the 123s CD in because you know, that's just the way we roll. Of course, Robert being anxious and me being in the sort of mood that takes to flight rather than sitting waiting pondering, we left the house super early. We drove up to school with 0 traffic and the radio up super loud. We were the first students there and only a little earlier than most of the teachers. Except for of course Mr. Scarborough who is a robot. I parked perfectly, and I was so glad. I, being a party pooper, rained on Robert's parade and sat in the car for a good 20 minutes. When I finally decided to go inside it was surprisingly easy to fake cheerfulness. I feel like I can mask anything with a smile. Shortly more people I knew showed up and it wasn't terrible. I went to homeroom (late because of bus duty, ugh) and it is history class/senior seminar. We sat and laughed and I really like the people in that class. Mr. Mulqueen showed us his own movie twist on Batman about Alfred being Bruce's mentor and made the connection that as we became super heroes, he would be our fearless guide. I like that. I have my own Alfred. AP Lit and Comp was next. Out of the 5 summer reading books I still have 2 1/2 to read and can't see anytime in the near future when I will have a chance to finish them. So that scared me a bit when I saw how extraordinarily fast paced our syllabus is. We average a novel a week! holy crow. In AP Calc we had a "pre-test" that was ridiculous and we all failed. I hate that class. oh joyousness. I have also realized that I probably won't be eating lunch most days this year because of the schedule and how I always have to be in 2 places at once, on quite a regular basis. Naval Science was made bearable only by the fact that Master Chief is awesome. He told us anecdotes involving eating shark ("What does it taste like? Well Mr. Abdullah, it tastes like shark.") and riding a horse named Sugar to high school one day. I feel like I can really learn a lot from him. He told us about being a single parent and that his daughter is his first priority, her happiness, safety, shelter, well being, etc. I almost cried because I wish he was my dad. He's just that cool. I had to drop gym for Spanish and got to endure the joy of waiting for our "Dean of Mean" to get through the line of scheduling issues. She has the worst attitude in the world. So that was it for the day. I pushed through. It's definitely going to be a rough year, but I knew that before I woke up this morning and I am coming to terms with it.
On our way home we stopped at Wawa and I, dressed of course in my windchime, jingle jangle ooh ahh medals uniform was gazed upon with some very inquisitive looks. Upon exiting the store a mother with her daughter walked past and she exclaimed that I must be a good role model for having all of these medals and "What do they mean? I'd love if you'd tell my daughter what a good role model is." So we got to talking and I found out that the girl is in 5th grade and home schooled, they are Christian and have been praying for someone whose mom I know. It was really uplifting to be recognized as a role model to a young girl. I was shocked, but honored. I expressed that I am also a Christian and I think I did a good job of being God's witness. I am proud of myself today.
This morning I started a new routine. I wake up at 5 and turn on my light, do some necessary getting ready and then sit at my desk, still in my jammies and read the daily reading from Pureby Rebecca St. James and A Year With C.S. Lewis. Having the inspiration and motivation of His word in the morning is really helpful to me and I pray that I can keep it up. I love the feeling of having a good message in my head, as my armor for the trials of the day. It is wonderful.
However, on the subject of routines, I know that this energy will not last. In a week, or maybe not even, I will be coming home, dropping my bags and curling up into bed or on the couch. School is draining. I find no source of energy after 4pm and it's awful. It's something that I plan on conquering this year. I plan on succeeding at staying organized and driven. I'm ready. (Motto? haha)
Here's what I keep singing to myself (It's from the youtube musical A Very Potter Sequel):"I'm the smartest person that I've ever met
So why do I allow myself to possibly forget
There's so much I know how to do; so much more than all of you
The only thing I wish I knew was how to make them see the girl that I can be.

I am the coolest girl in the whole wide world
I know it but can't show it at all
I am sick and tired of low not higher places where I belong
It's about time I proved them wrong.
Give me a shot to show what I've got!
I'm a helluva whole lot more than this frizzy hair,
these frumpy clothes I wear,
though I rock 'em like nobody you've seen before

'Cause I am
the coolest girl in the whole wide world
I know it
below it all."

I'm ready (sike)

I don't care anymore.
There's no reason for me to kill myself on summer homework in 3 days, because really what does it amount to in the future?
I'm changing my attitude and going into senior year the same way I went into this summer. Ready to be led by God. Ready to cling to him.

Ha: 2 hours later and I can hardly keep from crying. I'm trying so hard to keep my energy and enthusiasm and optimism up. but holy crow. I just looked at the schedule for my first week of AP Literature and I almost had a heart attack. I've always been the A+ student, the one that people ask for help from. But this year I have NO motivation. What am I going to do about the fact that I still have 2 1/2 books to read and a ton of paperwork to do (and 2 days left of summer)? Oh my flabbergastation. I'm scared sh*tless. On top of that, I have no support in a position that requires my ruling authority to be followed, I have basically 1 friend at school that I talk to outside of school and even she can be out there sometimes, leaving me for the parties or the BOYS. God, I hate boys.
Pray for me. please please please. Tell me to pray for myself.

Dreaming of Perfection

How's It Going to Be? An Ode to Maybe

Hi, it's been a while. Well more than a while. But ok you knew that. How does this work again? I spew letters and they somehow form words and fall into subject predicate sentence alignment all on their own, right? Ready, go. and nothing. There's so much in my head right now that I need to get out, want to get out, can't figure out. This summer was life changing. Working at Donegal helped me a lot with my independence issues, my self-confidence and my faith. Having people that love and care about me as co-workers doesn't make counseling seem like a job. And I bawled for days after I left. I don't want to be nostalgic and whiny, but (the sole word that contradicts the first half of sentences) I can't seem to find the jumping off point from the high that was Camp for 8+ weeks. Almost everyone left to experience college, and I came back to sitting at home, fretting over senior AP work. Laura was right when she said that it sucks for me because they all have newness and adventure to seek when they leave, and I go back to limbo. That made things seem real. I promised myself that last winter will NOT repeat itself, I will not fall into depression and I will stay motivated. Well that drive has lasted all of a week and now all I do is complain about the 2 1/2 books still sitting by my bed to be read before Tuesday and how much I am dreading Senior year.

Everyone has said to embrace this year. But really besides having the freedom a car allows, what is there to look forward to? I have at least 3 classes or more with the one person I've ever met that can make me physically sick and scared. I have the responsibility of keeping 500+ cadets "squared away" and making sure Ben knows what is going on. So far I have already begun to over commit myself. I AM doing worship team if it kills me, and I plan on going to see Relient K at Messiah as well if my mom ever lets me know whether I am allowed to buy the tickets. Yet as ready for June graduation as I am, college is a daunting hurdle in the distance. I keep getting those calls from admissions reps asking whether I am still considering their school and whether or not I have any questions (like I keep a list of questions handy for their 7pm phone calls). I am cordial and reassuring and then hang up, jump on the computer, and freak out about distance, grades, MONEY, and the likes.

I've meant to write to people. I really have. I cleaned my room, and it's staying that way so that as soon as these books are read I CAN write. Fred should be with Shannon right now, but gracious it kills me not to have him next to me each night. He is such a comfort. A comfort that's getting packed with care in a box soon.

Recap: This summer I fell in love, with an idea more or less. But there's hope now. I climbed a mountain. I drank delicious Colombian coffee. I lit too many fires to count and cooked SO MANY hobo packs. I got drenched and numb in the waterfall. I inspired someone. I read aloud from the Bible. I read my Bible everyday. I was organized. I matured. I found my first deer tick. I played with play dough. I blew bubbles. I consoled crying children COUNTLESS times, sometimes late at night. I made crafts. My pinwheels spun in the wind. I slept in wilderness. I slept under the stars. I snuggled/ spooned with my best friends. I cried and lifted my hands in worship. I prayed aloud. I prayed constantly. I fell down. I got back up. I found role models, and people to avoid. I watched adults grow in faith when I always thought that they were at their limit. I've learned that if you open yourself to Him, God will make your cup runneth over.

I had so many plans for this summer, and I let them fly out the window, on Norbert's tail. I'm gonna cling to childhood while I grow up, because without it who am I?

Tonight I have been fretting. Even though my relationship with Christ is stronger than ever, will I fit in at a Christian college. I wish Mikaela and Shannon and Dan were here with me to have a deep conversation, because I want to know what their experiences have been. I'm scared of leaving but all I want to do is run. On top of that I don't know how to handle this stalker camper issue Colin is having, and he keeps coming to me. Which I appreciate because it means someone thinks I give good advice, but I pray that I'm not giving him the wrong advice.

I still miss my dad. A lot. and he's really great friends with this terrible influence my brother knows. He's abandoned me and found new friends and family to care about. I wish he could see that I want him to call. or give a crap. or write. or give a damn.

My mom is so funny; she thinks I should start a video blog on youtube. No one wants to see that! hahaha I'm only good at being funny off camera.

Chattanooga has an ice cream shop that serves Cantaloupe ice cream. Definitely going on my pros list.

I'm ridin' solo. and I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, sayin' ayeooo gotta let go.

Also, I watched the movie Penelope last night and cried almost the whole time. I love her, and her room, and James McAvoy. and yeah. speechless.