Day 16: Some thoughts

There are times in life when all you want to do is sleep. When nothing you say or do will be good enough. Where making the least awful decision in a no win situation still feels like failing someone. But is sleeping that "bitter form of refuge". Am I supposed to portray the hero that I can't find inside but people expect from me? It's so confusing, this thing we call living. It's not really living, because we're all dying.

Have you ever listened to something so beautiful (or maybe seen something) that all you want to do is lay there, sit there, BE there experiencing it in the moment you go comatose from passion, and then you want to discover more about this wonderful newness. That happens to me a lot. Today it was coming home from a pretty crummy day and discovering Olafur Arnalds. I'm entranced.
Things aren't going too great. My room is slowly becoming demolished again, because that's what happens when you never get 100% done, and are always in the process of organizing, and then have to go to god awful school for the week. My teachers expect work work work, and then I get to come home to be told I don't work enough, that my weekend should start with waking up at 6 and working until dinner, and fitting relaxation in there somewhere because "everyone works the same amount except you. You never do anything."
I can't wait to escape Delaware. It scares me, because I have no money or job or place to stay if I leave home, but I crave it like no tomorrow.

I want to learn how to play the cello. I want to get my violin fixed (I need new strings and a bow). I hope my friend gives me the Batman guitar he was talking about earlier this week, because then Colin can maybe help me learn some more this summer. Maybe I will just borrow my brother's that he never plays.

It's raining again.