I've resorted....

I've resorted to inadvertantly sucking my thumb, curled up in bed, wishing I could read minds.
"I like when we sit next to each other and your legs fit perfectly against mine.
I like when our feet (or hands) bump and we don't apologize.
I like when you smile at me.
I like this comfort.
I like this closeness."
I like you."

Hillsdale College Essay

Discuss how an event, novel or experience has significantly influenced you or has changed your life.

History is my passion. This absolutely does not mean that I live my life in the past. Quite the contrary, I find it necessary to live in the moment and experience history being made. These are some reasons that led me to sit on a school bus for two hours this August with a motley crew of enraged patriots and interested civilians as we travelled from Delaware to Washington D.C. at 3:00 AM. The date was August 28, 2010. We were headed to the Restoring Honor Rally at the Lincoln Memorial. Arriving shortly after 5:00, we were far from being front row onlookers. With jumbotrons and sound system set up for the entire length of the reflecting pool, my family along with the other Delawareans set up our folding chairs as close to the pool as possible, glad when the sun came out that we had chosen an alcove under the shade of some trees. The event was influential to me not because of the speeches, or the fact that I was less than a football field away from Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin, but because of the United States Citizens that I was surrounded by. I met an 11 year old girl that day named Alicia. She was too short to see over the crowd so my dad had her stand on his chair and steady herself with a hand on his shoulder. It astounded me that a girl of 11 would be at a political rally and in addition, be fascinated and excited by all of the hoopla surrounding her. Her mother wanted her daughter to experience history being made. And history was certainly made when over 250,000 people flooded the monument and even began dotting the hill below the Washington Monument. As the entire crowd stood for a rousing rendition of the National Anthem, a flock of geese flew over the pool in missing man formation and it was as if the country had hope of unity in that moment of patriotism. To be quite honest, the speeches bored me, and I could not see the screen for all of the heads in front of me. Yet, this event changed my life because it showed me in human tangible form that there is a sense of pride that only our nation can own and prosper. As we walked back to the buses, we were met by the Al Sharpton march and some opposition. Instead of hurling insults back at these uninformed protesters, sporting signs like: “Glenn Beck is a terrorist”, a woman in our group suggested we say the Lord’s Prayer. We did. I saw Black Panthers and Communists and radicals that day, and I finally figured it all out. The people that journalists write about are real live breathing human beings, with emotions and hearts the same as you and I. My life has been changed by knowing that differences are tangible and backed by as much passion as I have for history.

Cable Knit Stockings

I am in love with the idea of Claire Colburn. "And I saw it immediately. We're the substitute people. I've been the substitute person my whole life. I'm not an Ellen. I never wanted to be an Ellen. And I'm not a Cindy either…I like being alone too much. I mean, I'm with a guy who is married to his academic career. I rarely see him and I'm the substitute person there. I like it that way. It's a lot less pressure."
Last night I tried to knit one of these. But I got messed up with the color work. However, I did learn to stockinette and purl. I also had a lot of fun. and that's what counts
It's my favorite season. I'm going to wear my cowboy boots today and my grey sweater stockings. and be charming.
Because all that I need or want to say, doesn't come out in my writing anymore, so I'm going for a walk.

I should be excited for Lloyd, but I'm selfish.
I should understand physics, but I'm lazy.
I should be able to forgive, but I'm stubborn.
I would talk to you about this, but you don't care.

Picture Mail

Dad:

Mom:


Laura:

Lloyd:


Dylan:


Brittany: This was me before I found you.

Also, update on Grammie. She got released from the hospital and taken back to the Assisted Living home she lives at. But thank you for your prayers, keep them coming.
So much on my mind to write about, but it's way too late tonight.

The Battle Rages On

Grammie had a seizure this morning.
I went to visit her last night with my mom and we knew she was worse than usual.
I couldn't stop crying when I got into the car. and now I can't stop, sitting in my room.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths” Proverbs 3:5-6
I'm trying.

An Education

Headmistress: Nobody does anything worth doing without a degree.
Jenny: Nobody does anything worth doing WITH a degree. No woman anyway.
Headmistress: So what I do isn't worth doing? Or what Miss Stubbs does, or Mrs. Wilson, or any of us here? Because none of us would be here without a degree. You do realize that, don't you? And yes, of course studying is hard and boring...
Jenny: Boring!
Headmistress: I'm sorry?
Jenny: Studying is hard and boring. Teaching is hard and boring. So, what you're telling me is to be bored, and then bored, and finally bored again, but this time for the rest of my life? This whole stupid country is bored! There's no life in it, or color, or fun! It's probably just as well the Russians are going to drop a nuclear bomb on us any day now. So my choice is to do something hard and boring, or to marry my... Jew, and go to Paris and Rome and listen to jazz, and read, and eat good food in nice restaurants, and have fun! It's not enough to educate us anymore Ms. Walters. You've got to tell us why you're doing it.

Indulgences/Philosophy

"You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded"

Recently, I've been having a lot of bad days. The ones that just leave a bad taste in your mouth. And today on my drive home from school and the Doctor's office, I was thinking about how days change, and moods come and go. I realized that lately whenever I'm upset I indulge. The day I came home from a summer at camp, I bought myself a dress I will probably never wear but fell in love with. On Sunday I bought things at the Harvest Moon Festival, thinking they might help ease me into the long haul before the marking period ends. I had Taco Bell for dinner last night because I felt like I had been good about organization that day. Today was terribly upsetting and I was mopey, etc. So on the way to my appointment I stopped at Happy Harry's and bought Arizona iced tea and the 25th Anniversary edition of ELLE magazine (trash magazines are great for bad days). Sitting in the car, travelling through rush hour traffic, I had my radio up super loud with the bass on all the way. At Happy Harry's I checked out with this ordinary looking guy named Derrick. There was nothing particularly special about him. But I was worried what opinion he would form about me in my Navy uniform, buying fashion mags and tea. He gave me a military discount. I told him that he made my day. He did. So being the abstract thinker I am, I started contemplating those things that make us happy in life. Pick-me-ups. Given a rotten mood, we turn to material items believing they might make us feel better. But sadness and frustration are mental, so therefore it seems reasonable to conclude that material things are only gateways to thoughts about life, which then make us happy or stay stagnant. I love watching people. They fascinate me. Today I pondered whether the red Toms or Hogwarts backpack I saw on 2 UD girls were their indulgences, and had made them happy today, like seeing them had for me. What do people notice about me that makes them smile, is their pick-me-up? So I guess the point of writing this all down is to say that, when days are bad, we SEARCH for something good. Just the same as when we don't like something/someone, there is ALWAYS something good we can find in them, even if it takes coaxing. Perception is an interesting concept, that I believe ties in directly with indulgence.
What have you indulged in lately?


Here's me:
-listening to grooveshark before school
-Doritos
-Tea and magazine
-turning the bass up on my radio
-Facebook/blogs I read regularly
-watching Glee on Hulu
-BBW Butterfly Flower perfume
-Lg. Orange Julius
-extra nachos
-afternoon snacks

Indulgence can be bad too. It can lead to routines, expenses, solitude, and creating enemies. You can probably think of your own examples. So while these simple things make me happy, sometimes I HAVE to pull myself away from them. Let me explain. Sometimes, you need just one thing to make you smile. The other day, it was bringing home a carton of fresh strawberries. But when that thing ceases to be pleasing, you fall back into the same patterns and sometimes it's detrimental to you knowing that you spent money, time, etc. on something that rots in the end. Life is moldy strawberries.

But Glee reminded me today,
God never makes mistakes. That's what I believe.

She's pretty and she's nice

Last night was homecoming. It was awkward being greeted by almost all of Sean's family. But he looked nice, and we matched. It was cute. After I loosened up a bit the dance was pretty good too. Sean and I danced together for only maybe 3 songs. Mostly I danced with my girlfriends. Brittany looked gorgeous and she and I learned how to dougie from Lloyd. I also did the shopping cart. Then the drama started and I'm pretty sure Dylan thinks I stole his date, when in all actuality, she just didn't want to dance with him. She found another guy (and she's not from our school). Come on, put some clues together honey. We went to Denny's at 11 and took up basically half the restaurant. A cop even came to monitor. Connor and I shared nachos, and I scored Lloyd's nachos when he left. Then Sean drove me home and I fell asleep at about 2am. Whew
Today was the Harvest Moon Festival at Coverdale Farms. It was cold and windy, but at times, the perfect autumn day. I was in charge of making "Chicken Sun Visors" with kids. It was basically a glue stick craft where they glued on a beak, cock's comb, and 2 eyes, and then colored them. They were pretty adorable, if not a pain to make in the wind. After my volunteer shift I walked around and bought some fresh strawberries (3.95), a loaf of Mushroom Swiss bread (6.75), and 6 honey straws (1.00). These are part of my favorite things about autumn!

Tonight I'm going to The Melting Pot with Ben and his family for his birthday dinner. Whoa, expensive! I've never been invited to a dinner like that. eeek.

A Selection

Some of my favorite parts of my failed NANOWRIMO attempt last year:
First paragraph:
The Technicolor on the screen was displeasing to her and in all of her life this was the first time that feeling had ever taken root in her heart. She was tired, and the bags under her eyes only glorified more so the zombie-like existence she had become accustomed to as of late. As Frank Sinatra danced across her vision singing about Dolls and wearing a red carnation on his suit jacket, she felt tenderly the ridges covering her scalp; the scarred ridges that had taken the place of once silky reddish golden hair. They came from the stitches. Dropping her hand suddenly she felt ashamed sitting there with her knees tucked to her chest, the obnoxious polka-dot pajama pants unable to hide her protruding kneecaps. The skin on her hands was paler than usual and the term “day walker” could certainly be utilized by the teasing tongues of high school boys in this instance. Felicity LaHaye was an obvious victim of situational realism. The point in your teenage life where you realize that what you naively wish for isn’t always and probably shouldn’t be the planned direction of your own life. Her 11:11pm wish that day was indeed quite simple.
And so on:
On the TV screen in her darkened living room Marlon Brando and Jean Simmons were locked in a kiss so passionate it caught her attention back from that horrific memory. She wanted to vomit. She hated that she hated this scene now, when she used to fantasize about it in study hall all the time. Now all she wanted was for Marlon Brando to fall into the fountain and for the bells to give them both migraines. Felicity grabbed the package of golden Oreos next to her and the container of Nutella from the coffee table in front of her. As she moved, the muscles in her back ached and she groaned. These groans made her feel even more like the living dead.
...
“Where’s the Mountain Dew?” Dylan always made his grand entrance with an announcement about food. He was predictable too. Seeing it sitting on my bookshelf he grabbed the 2 liter and started to chug. “Hey leave some for me mister!”
...
Sitting back down on his chair while already drinking from his glass his eyes smiled at me over the rim and I felt warmer. In the entire world there could not possibly be one like my baby brother. His idiosyncrasies could be the bane of my existence one day and then the next they’d be all that kept me going. Throughout this entire ordeal he’d been right by my side. And I hoped that he never felt any regrets for driving us home that day. He’s my warrior. Yes a warrior that may sometimes decide argyle is the manliest pattern, that the Arkansas Chuggabug should have won the Wacky Races by default coolness, and that Canadian Mounties had excellent uniforms, but still a warrior with superb taste. I would never blame him for what happened. We shared the bond of having our ribs broken at the same time. That’s deep love.