At GrassRoots the other week I bought this journal called Skywriting. It's a whole bunch of pictures of the horizon and sky made into journal pages. I plan on using it as a prayer journal. I just don't want it full of my silly less than eloquent shouts to heaven. Here's to hoping that my faith conversation gains some tact and grammar and logical sequencing.

Pretty Little Petals

If you knew me at all freshman and sophomore year, then the following statements will probably make you guffaw. If you're my mom, you'll probably roll your eyes.
Back then, things were so much different. And as so many people have told me within the past 6 months, the changes I've made in myself (often times unintentionally) are drastic. Back then, I laughed when people thought they needed depression meds or said that they were physically sickened with their problems. It was unbelievable to me. But that, like with much in life, is only because I never experienced it. Then last winter, I got what was coming. Having been on a downward spiral since my dad told me to leave, I found myself laying in bed with no tangible reason to get up, other than the thought that staying would mean failure. And I hate failure. So without this being a complaining post, or a list of my issues, I think it's time to admit that from about November 2009 until about June 2010, I would very likely have been diagnosed as clinically depressed. I was a mess, a bum; I cried every night unless I was too tired to dream let alone produce tears. I ached all over, and my arms felt like concrete blocks. I couldn't look in the mirror. I'm writing this now, because for the most part, I got over it. It didn't take medicine, or therapy, or vacationing. Honestly it just took hatred of self pity. But I'm seeing lately that depression isn't something easily slipped under the rug and done with. It's this lump that lives inside your stomach, sliding to the top of your throat when it wants to breathe. It hurts and it's tiring and it's NOT explained easily.
So I've learned a few tricks. First there are friends, and those who just listen. Dylan makes everything just seem so happy and wonderful. There are escapes, like painting or drawing or music or baths. There are food groups like chocolate, carbohydrates, grease, and water.
But regaining the JOY of life is difficult. And here's to letting go, and letting God. One day at a time

Sharing the wealth

Dear Laura: I think you'll really like Zooey Deschanel's band She&Him. Also, listen to some Florence and the Machine, she's similar to Imogen Heap but with a more rocky sciency feel, but her stage presence is kinda Stevie Nicks/Madonna. So interesting. These were the bands I was talking about this weekend.
Dear Dylan: Whenever I say let's run away and vacation somewhere, this is what I picture.

Dear Chloe and Alicia,
We need to make these:


And watch this.

Ladies

Vanessa

I was sitting on my bed painting my nails tonight and I realized something. The polish I slid onto my fingertips was familiar in a way. And I remembered that it's the same color Dylan's mom was wearing a few weeks ago when I talked to her about Hagley. There's a saying: "Boys fall in love with girls who remind them of their moms." I think that's true in this relationship. Mrs. Spence and I both love sweaters and history and cooking and Sound of Music and art and mint green nail polish and being good moms. I think it's funny actually that I never saw this before. I'm this unique mix of my mom (huggable and caring and a sea glass fanatic and faithful) and this woman I want to be. But tonight it just seems funny that Mrs. Spence knew to get me a stocking for Christmas, and bought me a sweater in my second favorite color, and always says hi like I'm meant to be there, with her son. It's quite unintentional, I don't mean to mimick her or be like her, but I'm finding more and more that we share a lot in common.
I haven't written a lot lately because too much has been going on, in my head, in school, blah blah blah excuses excuses. But I turn 18 in a few days, and I need to get it out. I've had my first kiss. I'm in love. And you know what, I'm gorgeous. These are things that have taken me a lifetime (literally) to be ok with. My dad wrote me an email on Christmas Eve and its lack of the phrase "I love you" really struck something in me. No matter how angry or hurt I get in my life, one thing I know I will always be able to do is love, and express my love. I want to go to college next year and work my butt off, stay with this boy who drives me crazy, and see where God takes me. I want to set up Advent candles in my house like the Spences and cook crab cakes for Girl Scout meetings. I want a hearth and a home, and tablecloths for different seasons.
If I'm certain of one thing, it's that I'm going to be a great mom. Because I want to be. I want to be a good mom and wife, and lady more than anything else. So I guess this is thanks to the women in my life who I tend to shadow. Mom, Mrs. Spence, Grammy, and GB. Laura, Alicia, Brittany, and Chloe. I love you. <3
Alicia and Mom threw me a surprise party tonight and I wore Laura's spoon ring, my GB's "B" pin, the necklace picture of Grammy, and my mom's gold earrings. I felt like I had all this beauty and energy and nurturing surrounding me. I guess Proverbs 31 really isn't unattainable after all.

New Year's Resolution

1. Believe in the beauty of myself.
2. Keep a clean room.
3. Don't interrrupt. Don't meticulously control and plan.

Hub-bub-baloo

Things that currently occupy every day of my life:

1. School (These AP classes will be the death of me)
2. Becker's (12 hours-ish a week)
3. Dylan (Thinking, dreaming, talking to, driving to see, seeing, and missing)
4. Clubs (NHS, Marksmanship, MUN, etc.)
5. Executive Officer (ugggggghhhhhh)
6. Applying for Scholarships
7. Facebook

Things that I feel I am neglecting these past few months and need to focus more on:
1. GOD (My prayer life is sad. Pray for me.)
2. Family (There's a downstairs to my house?)
3. Cleanliness (My room got run over by a tornado)
4. Camp (I haven't written/skyped/emailed back anyone in weeks/months and I HATE MYSELF for it).
Most nights I doubt I get enough sleep. I eat at the most irregular intervals. But you know what, this is not a complaint list. This is a mental note of things that I need to remember and work on. New Year's Resolutions are crap, but if new dimensions are being added to my life then I obviously also need to cut some things out.

Things to do this week:
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!!!
Pass a physics class with some understanding.
Spend an evening with my family.
Not get sick. :(

Cherish. Believe

"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no whenever you don't want something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important that finding out what you're doing here. Believe in kissing." -Eve Ensler

Although I am not at all a fan of Eve Ensler, I really like this quote. But aside from the first through third sentences which speak to the little girl that lives inside my body, I counter her feminism by saying that I want a man to be there for all the rest of them. And each will come in their own time.

You make me want to dance barefoot through life.